Why Do I Never Feel Fully Self-Expressed?
Being human means living in constant evolution—a perpetual unfolding that only ceases the day we die. This means we'll never feel fully self-expressed, at least not how we imagine. If we aren't careful, we can waste our lives chasing a fantasy, searching for the "right" configuration that feels perfect in all the right ways—believing, mistakenly, that such a thing exists.
Here’s the thing: every day, we wake up in the correct configuration—scientifically, spiritually, and existentially—even if it doesn’t feel that way. Whatever we are, right now, is what’s right for right now. In fact, the past got us to this point, and cannot be changed, it’s the future that’s the problem.
The tension we hold as humans is that, unlike the rest of nature, we are both clay and sculptor. We get some agency at every point about how our life will look. So, if there are parts that don’t feel aligned and correct, we can influence how our future unfolds through our choices. This is where the tension arises because it means there will always be frustrations, gaps, and jagged edges and life will never be free of dissatisfaction. But there are paths to feeling more aligned and genuinely self-expressed.
What is it to be Fully-Self Expressed?
First, let’s start with a definition to get us all on the same page:
“To be fully self-expressed refers to the state in which an individual feels they are completely and authentically sharing their true self with the world. This means that their thoughts, feelings, values, and identity are being fully conveyed without reservation, fear, or inhibition. A person who is fully self-expressed is in alignment with their core essence, experiencing a deep sense of congruence between their inner self and their outward actions or communication. They feel that nothing significant is being held back or suppressed, leading to a sense of freedom, fulfillment, and genuine connection with others.”
It sounds straightforward, but life complicates it.
The Human Tension: We Are Sculptor & Clay
As far as we know, the rest of the natural world is living out their lives as subject of the forces for evolution, without choice or ability to sculpt their future. Without going down the rabbit hole of free will, choice and determinism, as humans we at least have the illusion of choice. We have the lived experience of being both sculptor and clay.
As clay, you are already fully self-expressed just by existing. The essence of who you are is encoded in your genes, shaped by the forces of evolution. Trusting this natural process and simply being alive is enough. However, as the sculptor, you can shape this clay—you are a little-god of your own evolution. You carry a vision of what your life—your self-expression—should look like. But here's the tension: This vision often leaves you feeling unfulfilled. You sense that something is missing, and you're not fully self-expressed, which makes you feel disappointed.
I find this tension so beautiful. This is what it means to be human—it does not go away. And I think learning how to hold this paradox is the first key.
So before diving deeper, it's crucial to ask yourself two essential questions:
Can you trust the "clay" of your self-expression—the natural, intrinsic part of you that is already self-expressed simply by existing?
Consider your vision of what full self-expression looks like. Where did you develop your it? Is it still aligned with who you truly are?
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The Mosaic of the Self
The self is a wild mosaic—a blend of fixed and flexible parts, constantly evolving, emerging, and dying. Full self-expression isn't a final destination; it's an ongoing process, and a sometimes chaotic ride.
While the jury is still out on exactly how the self is made up, there are helpful models we can use to navigate this complex landscape. One such model is understanding what’s fixed and flexible in your identity.
Fixed Parts: Your Guiding Stars
Your fixed parts are your guideposts, the elements that define you no matter how much you evolve. When you ignore them, you feel unexpressed. When you honor them, you move closer to alignment, even if you never reach that mythical state of full self-expression.
One of the biggest challenges in feeling fully self-expressed is not making enough space for these fixed parts of yourself. For instance, a fixed part of me is creativity. The flexible part is how that creativity manifests—whether through painting, writing, or my business. But when I don't make enough space in my life for creativity, I feel unexpressed.
To discover your fixed parts, you must excavate them gently, feeling them as buoys in the ocean rather than boxing them in. The more you integrate these parts into your career, relationships, and life, the happier and more self-expressive you will feel.
Here are some ways to explore, excavate, and find your fixed parts:
Flexible Parts: Embrace the Unfinished
Alongside your fixed parts are the aspects of you that are always changing. These evolving parts will always bring a sense of incompleteness. But instead of fearing this, learn to see these gaps—the shifts in their size and shape—as signs that you are on the right path, constantly refining and adjusting to align closer to your true self.
The key challenge when it comes to flexible parts is not creating enough space or understanding how to nurture their emergence. Often, this is due to not carving out the time for your voice to emerge, fears about worthiness, or misunderstandings about the creative process. The truth is, it will never be easy or seamless, but it can be deeply fulfilling.
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So, Can We Ever Be Fully Self-Expressed?
The answer is a nuanced yes—though it might not look how you think it will. Full self-expression is a living, breathing process. It’s about flowing with your creativity and self-expression, including what’s messy, unfinished, or uncertain.
Right now, I feel fully self-expressed. I create and share wholeheartedly, feel unbounded, and mostly thrive in the mess of the creative process and know I still have so much to learn. I'm plugged into my emerging parts and am at peace with their incompleteness. I still grapple with uncertainty and have much more to learn, but I am at peace with my creativity and self-expression, which is the sign we seek.
Got thoughts, questions or insights of your own? Drop them below—I’m dying to know!